These dogs...
9 years ago
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Halloween 2008
I didn't get too many pictures at Halloween. My kids won't stand still long enough for me to take their picture. Joshua was Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story and Nathan was a Yellow Lab puppy dog. Nathan's picture is blurry, but it is the best I have. Joshua's picture was taken at his preschool.
San Diego trip October 15-18, 2008
I've been experiencing some computer problems over the last few months that are now resolved. I hope to catch you all up. We were in San Diego the weekend before my mom passed away. We went to Lego Land, the beach and the San Diego Zoo. Here are a few pictures.
Nathan and Joshua at the San Diego Zoo
Joshua, Nathan and Gary building a sand castle
Gary and Joshua searching for sea shells
Nathan doing what he does best...playing in the sand
Joshua and Nathan at Lego Land
Joshua (front) and Tiffany and Nathan at Lego Land
Family picture at San Diego Zoo (also our Christmas card photo)
Nathan and Joshua at the San Diego Zoo
Joshua, Nathan and Gary building a sand castle
Gary and Joshua searching for sea shells
Nathan doing what he does best...playing in the sand
Joshua and Nathan at Lego Land
Joshua (front) and Tiffany and Nathan at Lego Land
Friday, November 21, 2008
The Brawley Family is Adding Another Member
I've been really behind on posting lately. I have a lot of pictures that I need to post. I was always good about posting pictures for my mom. Yes, we are expecting baby #3 in June. My mom only knew of my pregnancy when I told her in the hospital (she was unconscious), but I'm glad I was able to tell her before she passed away. I would have liked to see her reaction, as I know she would have been very excited. Anyway, Joshua is very excited and is very concerned about my health and taking care of the baby. The other day I was eating, and he was worried that the food was going to land on top of the baby. I assured him that the baby was in a different part of my belly than the food. Joshua likes to look at the ultrasound pictures I had taken when I went to the doctor at 8 weeks. I have been feeling pretty good. I do have my moments of nausea, but I really can't complain. I hope to post pictures soon.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Joan Mary (Hying) Niedermeyer
My mom's obituary was published in today's newspaper (Arizona Republic). Here is the link:
Joan Mary Niedermeyer. It should available for the next 30 days.
Joan Mary Niedermeyer. It should available for the next 30 days.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Thoughts about my mom
This post is more for me than anyone else, so don't feel like you need to read this whole thing, as it is pretty lengthy. I've been writing this post for almost a week now.
I will start with a little back-story about my parents so you don't get confused.
My mom always dreamed of living in a cabin in the mountains. They lived in Raleigh, NC several years ago and they really loved spending the weekends in the Blueridge Mountains of North Carolina. My dad does contract work for several utility companies along the east coast. He is currently working in Atlanta, but being a few years away of retirement, they thought they'd start building their dream get-away on the property that they had previously purchased. The cabin was completed this past summer and my mom couldn't wait to get moved in. It was her dream to live in a house with no TV and no internet (and so the cabin is free from such distractions). My dad works 4-day work weeks, so he would commute to Atlanta during the week and spend the weekends at the cabin with my mom. My mom had so many decorating plans for the cabin, but was worried about the cost of purchasing all of the non-essential (but really neat) items to make the cabin home. There is a store not too far from town called The Cabin Store. She was a frequent visitor and customer of the store, and told them that she would love to work there part-time. She was hired this past summer and absolutely loved it. She loved visiting with the customers that came in (she is a very social person). She didn't even get a pay check. She simply worked in exchange for merchandise and she had her wish list all planned out of the order in which she would acquire her treasures to make the cabin more inviting. My dad later told us that she would tithe on her "earnings," even though she didn't get a paycheck.
Being in a such a remote part of the mountains (it is pretty much weekend/vacation homes where they live), she was still looking for just the right church to call "home." She went to church with a co-worker that Sunday (October 19) morning. She showed no signs of anything being wrong that morning, or even after church. My dad had already left for his commute back to Atlanta. She went to lunch at a fast-food restaurant by herself on the way home from church. It was at the parking lot of the restaurant where she was found slumped over her steering wheel. Someone saw her and called for an ambulance. My dad happened to call her cell phone (there is no phone line at the cabin) to see how church went, as he knew she was trying different ones. A nurse at the ER answered her cell phone and that's how we first knew something had happened. My dad was not too far from Atlanta, so he turned back around for the 5 hour drive back to North Carolina. My dad was able to talk to my mom on the phone, but she had no idea where she was, what state she was in or even what day it was. She did recognize my dad on the phone and was quite scared as she didn't know what was happening. It was very frustrating for my dad to be so far away and not being able to do anything. My dad was able to get a hold of some neighbors, who went to the hospital to be with my mom.
We had no idea what had happened or what was wrong with her. All we knew was that the ER was trying to keep her stable. She got to a point where she lost consciousness again and was not able to breathe on her own. She was in a pretty small, rural hospital, so they put her on a ventilator and transferred her via ambulance an hour away to Winston-Salem, NC. Apparently there was no air transportation available. My dad drove directly to Winston-Salem and actually beat my mom to the hospital. Not long after she arrived, she was in pretty bad shape and we almost lost her a few times. There were 8 people working on her in the ER trying to keep her alive. We still had no idea what was wrong. They were unable to perform any tests on her as her condition was so unstable. We did know that a CAT scan was performed and that a stroke had been ruled out. Her blood pressure was also very, very low and they struggled to keep it stable. By this time it was Sunday afternoon and my sister Wendy (who also lives in the Phoenix-area) started looking at flights to Charlotte (the closest airport). There was a 10:30pm flight with a lay-over in Philadelphia that arrived at 5:30am. My mom's best friend (Karen, who also lives here) flew out with us. So the 3 of us started making our reservations. I have another sister in Indiana, who started packing up for an overnight road trip with her family. Four out of my mom's 7 siblings also started planning an all-night road trip from Wisconsin.
We all arrived on Monday morning. My mom had gotten transferred out of the ER and into ICU overnight, which was a good sign for us. When we got there, she was in serious but stable condition. The doctor warned us that her condition could change at any moment. She was on near-lethal doses of 3 different blood pressure medications in order to keep her blood pressure stable. They were unable to even read her blood pressure from the cuff that goes around the arm, so they had to get her pressure from her femural artery in her leg. They took an ultrasound of her heart on Monday morning and discovered that her heart was surrounded by fluid and that's why she was having difficulty breathing and that her blood pressure was so low because of the pressure of the fluid around her heart that was not allowing her heart to fully expand. It was determined that immediate surgery was necessary to drain the fluid from around her heart. Prior to the surgery, the cardiac surgeon performed a esophageal echocardiogram. During that procedure, they found a tear in her aorta. This tear was causing blood to leak into her heart and into the lining of her heart. The surgeon said that the tear needed to be repaired, but that she was in no condition to undergo open heart surgery. They would first drain the fluid around the heart to help stabilize her enough to get her off of the blood pressure medications. They would then repair the tear in her aorta later in the week, after she had stabilized. They warned us that she was in serious condition, but that the fluid had to be drained immediately if she was to gain any type of stability. She could not continue with the dosages of her blood pressure medications much longer without long-term damage. They were worried that her organs would start to fail. The surgery to drain the fluid would only last about 20 minutes and they would only make a small incision into her chest. They would leave the tube in after surgery to keep draining the fluid. The doctors pretty much told us that the surgery was risky, but it was the only option. They were confident, that, if successful, we would start seeing immediate improvement with her blood pressure and her breathing. They would then be able to slowly wean her off the medications and the ventilator. There would always be the risk of her aorta rupturing more prior to her being stable enough for the open heart surgery to repair the tear/rupture. Our family was confident that she would come through the surgery as she had already come so far. The surgeon stated that most people don't survive an aortic dissection with leakage (the official medical term for her condition). Anyway, the entire family had been in a "family consultation" room for the past few hours. They bring the entire family into a private room whenever the doctor comes to talk to the family. It is for patient privacy as well as family privacy so we aren't in the waiting room with the rest of the families. We were all in the family consultation room when the surgeon returned a little while later and told us that my mom's blood pressure and heart rate started to immediately rise as soon as he started draining the fluid. He then said that her heart then slowed and eventually stopped and they were unable to get her heart beating again. She had passed away. The time was between 5:00 and 5:30pm on Monday, October 20, 2008. She passed away on my 34th birthday.
After we had finished a big cry, we had many questions. The doctor answered them all and even said he would leave us alone for a while and come back and answer any more that we come up with. I must say that my mom's nurse (Deah) was awesome. She was there all day on Monday and my mom was pretty much her only patient that day (she may have had others, but it always seemed like she was in my mother's room). She was always present whenever one of the doctor's spoke with us. My mom had an ICU doctor, the cardiologist and the cardiac surgeon all seeing her that day. Deah would always make sure our questions were answered after the doctor's had left. She was so sweet to the family and really treated my mom with such genuine care. She seemed upset when the surgeon told us that my mom had died in surgery. She gave us all hugs and expressed how sorry she was.
Some of the family (including myself) asked if we could see her body to say goodbye. The head of the surgery dept said that they would need to move her to a different room and prep her for viewing. Only 4 of us wanted to see her one last time. The rest wanted their last memories of her to be full of life. When I saw my mom before she went to surgery, I didn't say "goodbye," I said that I would see her soon. I felt like I need to say "goodbye" to help with closure. I still couldn't fathom that she was gone. My mom was unconscious the entire time, so all communication was one-way. The last time she was awake was when she talked on the phone with my dad in the ER after she was first brought in on Sunday afternoon. A part of me would have liked to been able to see her awake, but I spoke to her on the telephone before we left for San Diego the week before and we always ended our phone conversions with "I love you," so I am glad that those were the last words I spoke to her before her collapse. We had just returned from San Diego on Saturday night (the night before she was found in the parking lot). She collapsed on Sunday and died on Monday.
So we waited around the hospital for a few hours waiting to sign off on all of the final paperwork before we could leave. We were visited by all of her doctors who expressed their condolences as well as the hospital chaplain. My mom had always wanted to be of service to others, even after death, so the whole family knew of her desire to donate her body for medical research. It was included in her will as well. What we didn't know was that it is customary to pre-arrange the donation with either a medical school or some sort of donation center prior to your death. This had not been done. The hospital was of little help, but did say that various organizations might be contacting us regarding donation of her organs. The hospital stated that my mom's body might not be "desirable" for medical research due to her heart damage or if the surgery somehow affected her ability to be embalmed properly for preservation. The hospital also told us that some medical centers might not have a current need for a body. We all left the hospital together as a family. We left feeling discouraged at the possibility of not being able to fulfill my mom's final wishes.
My mom's best friend (Karen) and my sisters and I made the 1 hour commute back to their cabin in the mountains. My mom's 4 siblings stayed at a hotel next to the hospital. I had never been to my parent's cabin, so my dad showed us around and pointed out all of the items my mom had "worked" for. She even brought home broken pieces that were headed for the trash and glued them back together and displayed them. She was proud of those pieces. My mom had an amazing ability to identify a child or person in a group that needed a little extra attention for whatever reason. When she volunteered at our schools, she always enjoyed working with kids that needed a little extra help to catch up with the class. She had the ability to make them feel special and to boost their self-confidence. My mom was never a particularly good student, so I think she simply related to the kids that struggled in school.
Once at the cabin, we found my mom's address/phone books and started making calls to family and friends. It was hard to keep repeating the happenings of the previous 2 days over and over again. By the end of the night, I managed to be able to get through the chronology of events without crying. It was especially hard if the person on the other end of the phone started crying. My dad got a call that night from the North Carolina Eye Donation Center. Apparently the hospital made them aware of our desire for what they termed "whole body donation." She was contacting us regarding donation of my mother's eyes, but also explained that if her eyes were donated, she would be ineligible for whole body donation. She was able to direct us to the different medical schools in North Carolina. She called us pretty late (9:30 or 10:00pm), so our inquiries would have to wait until the morning.
We all went to bed pretty late, but not much sleep took place. I felt completely exhausted as I didn't get any sleep on the overnight flight the night prior, but couldn't manage any sleep that night. My body was numb and I felt sick to my stomach. My head was pounding as well.
When morning finally came, I felt like I had run over by a truck. I could barely move. I was able to doze off in a chair for about half and hour on Tuesday morning and was able to function again. I was able to eat some toast and start the day. Most phone calls had been made the night before, but there were a few more that needed to be called. My dad called the first medical school on the list, but had to leave a message and wait for a return call. They declined my mother's body due to her heart condition. The next call was Duke University. They said yes and a huge weight had been lifted from us. The next step was paperwork. Being with no internet made life difficult. My dad had them fax paperwork to The Cabin Store where my mom worked. We would go later in the day to pick it up, have it notarized and returned. My mom's siblings had arrived at the cabin with sandwich fixings for lunch. When they heard the news that Duke had accepted her body, they commented that my mom finally got her wish of going to college. Not just any college, but Duke University. She would be proud. We talked of getting T-shirts from Duke in her honor. Just as a side note, once Duke is finished with my mom's body, they will have her cremated and the remains will be given back to the family.
After lunch, the work began. An obituary had to be written and memorial services/arrangements needed to be made. My mom's other 3 siblings and my husband (Gary) back in their respective homes were our computer/internet links. Whenever a phone number needed to be looked up, we had to call our internet sources. It was determined that a service would be held in my mom's (very small) hometown of Highland, Wisconsin. A lot of family remains in this town and some would be physically unable to travel to Phoenix. A service would also be held in the Phoenix-area, as this is where my sisters and I grew up and my mom has a vast network of friends here as well. My parents spent a few years living in Raleigh, NC so friends expressed their desire for a memorial service as well. Being that we were already planning 2 services, we explained that planning a 3rd would be too much for the family. Apparently my mom's impact on her friends there is quite deep, so a few of her lady friends decided that they would plan the entire service if we would agree to having a service in North Carolina as well. One of their friends is a pastor, so he agreed to perform the service. So that left us with the task of choosing dates and reserving churches. Wisconsin would be first, as my grandfather (my mom's dad) was top priority in getting some sort of closure for his having lost his daughter. My grandfather (who will turn 90 in February) was physically unable to make the 15+ hour overnight road trip to the hospital. The siblings drove all night in 2 hour shifts. He really wanted to be at the hospital with all of us. Phoenix would be next, followed by Raleigh. Our first choice for a date for Wisconsin was November 1 (a Saturday). Phoenix was scheduled for Thursday, November 6. Raleigh was scheduled for Saturday, November 15. The church in Wisconsin was unavailable on the 1st, so that left us with the task of putting a service together in a few days to be held on October 25. The Phoenix and Raleigh dates had already been confirmed. Phone calls were quickly placed to Wisconsin family members to coordinate food for after the service as well as every other detail. The obituary would need to be placed ASAP to allow time for it to run in the paper so people could be made aware of the service time and location. We needed to decide who would read scripture and give a eulogy. Again, more phone calls were placed. Work on the obituary began. How could we best sum up my mom's life in a few paragraphs? My mother was the most giving and selfless person I have ever known. She touched every person she met with her kind spirit. This fact was validated by the endless phone calls from friends across the globe (my parents have lived in many places in their almost 40 years of marriage). My mom made sure that she kept in contact with her many friends. We (my sisters and my mom's siblings) wrote and re-wrote all afternoon and well into the night to come up with a fitting tribute to my mom. It doesn't even come close to fully describing her impact on this world, but we did the best we could. With the service being only 4 days away and many plans yet to be made, we realized that we needed to thinking about getting ourselves to Wisconsin. The 4 siblings had all driven together and would return the same way. Dawn (my sister) and family had also driven, so they would drive also. My mom's friend Karen needed to return to Arizona, so we arranged a flight back to Phoenix (she had only booked a one-way ticket to Charlotte). That left my dad, myself and other sister (Wendy) to figure out transportation to Wisconsin. We thought about driving my dad's car with the 3 of us, but that would leave my dad's car in Wisconsin with no way back to North Carolina as the 3 of us had booked flights to Phoenix from Wisconsin after the service. That left only 1 reasonable option. The 3 of us would join my mom's 4 siblings in their mini-van. The means 7 adults riding for 15+ hours in a 7-passenger mini-van. We would all depart the next day (Wednesday).
So Wednesday morning, we packed the van with 7 adults worth of luggage and cleaned my parent's cabin from our whirlwind visit. We left after lunch on Wednesday. As I was the youngest in the group, I was bestowed the privilege of sitting in the middle seat of the 3rd row in the van. What started out as an unfortunate journey turned into the most memorable part of the entire week. It wasn't that long after we started driving that the stories and memories about my mom began to flow. My aunts and uncles shared stories of when my mom was a child. My dad spoke of he and my mom's early dating days (their first date, a blind date, didn't go well at all). My sister and I told of stories of when we were growing up. Meanwhile, my mom's brother was taking notes of all of these memories to help write the eulogy that he agreed to present at the memorial in Wisconsin. We stopped driving at about 10:30pm. We found a hotel for the night, and we were all ready to crash. Somehow, we all ended up in the same room, and the story telling continued. This time, the stories went from fun to serious. My mom's brother spoke of the days and years surrounding their mother's battle with cancer. It was my mom (the oldest) and her younger brother. My grandfather had to keep working as there were bills to pay. Friends and neighbors would come to the house to take of their mom during the day. My mom was about 10 years old at the time. Her mom eventually lost her battle with cancer when my mom was 11 years old. When asked, my mom's brother said that my mom would on occasion have to cook dinner for himself and for their dad. He said that he learned early in life, not to be a picky eater. My grandfather re-married a year after his wife passed. My mom rarely spoke of those early years. She missed her mother terribly and her dad's new wife, of course, did everything different than her mother. She later regretted how she treated her dad's new wife in those early years. It wasn't until she was an adult that she asked her for forgiveness and grew to love and cherish her relationship with her "mother." My uncle spoke of how much they enjoyed helping raise their new brothers and sister that started arriving just over a year after their dad re-married. Six more siblings came along. Although, the last few arrived after my mom had left home. My mom always said that her years taking care of her dad/brother and helping to care for her siblings when they were babies helped her prepare for her days as a young wife with her husband in the Navy. They were stationed in Hawaii, far from family and friends. My dad was at sea when my 2 older sisters were born. My dad was also at sea as she was still recovering from heart surgery (he was home for the procedure) to repair a valve in her heart (Patent Ductus Arteriosis or PDA). She was 21 years old when she had the surgery and had a newborn to take care of as well. She definitely didn't have any easy life as a new bride. We talked until 2:30am and headed off to bed.
The next day (Thursday) was a new day in the van ride to Wisconsin. We had a full day's drive ahead of us. More stories were told and there was plenty of material for the eulogy. I will never forget those 15 hours in the van. It was good for all of us to just share how our lives have been positively impacted by my mother. She left a lasting legacy as a result of her servant's heart.
My dad spoke of her last few months that she spent at their cabin. It was her dream. She didn't mind being alone during the week while my dad was in Atlanta working. She loved that their weekends together were free from the distractions of TV and internet. My dad said she would spend most of day in the sun room (off of the porch) in a rocking chair reading her Bible or whatever book she might be studying for a Bible study. She would take walks in the mountains and enjoy God's beautiful creation. She learned to pick flowers (Black Eyed Susan's) at their peak, so she could harvest the seeds to plant on their property. She wanted flowers everywhere. There was always fresh picked flowers in a vase at the cabin.
We arrived in Wisconsin on Thursday night. Everyone got dropped off at their respective homes. My dad, sister, aunt and I headed to my grandparent's home to visit with them. We talked for a little while and expressed our sympathies for one another. Gary (my hubby) arrived on Thursday evening in Wisconsin as well. It was so nice to see him. I hadn't seen him since Sunday before I left for the airport.
Friday was a busy day. It was a day before the service and much needed to get done. Photos with my mom needed be found for the picture boards that were to be displayed at the service. We met with the priest (my mother was raised Catholic, but left the church as an adult, but that's a whole other story) to go over the order of service. We did not want a full mass as we wanted to keep the service relatively short. The photo boards needed to be assembled and made. My mom's siblings were amazing. My sisters and I were relieved that they pretty much took care of the planning and let everyone know what needed to be done. The tasks were divided up and everything got done.
The service was on Saturday (October 25) morning. It was a beautiful service and everything went smoothly. My mom's brother delivered an amazing eulogy, full of stories that told about my mother's amazing life.
My mother was strong Christian woman. She wanted to live like Christ as best as she could. I always admired the time she spent reading the Bible and praying. She could pray for a solid hour without interruption (she had many prayer guides that she would follow). I remember a few items from her "mother's prayer." One of the prayers was that if her children did evil, we would be caught. When I received my first (of only 2) speeding tickets in college, I remember calling her and asking if she had been praying for me that day. She used to pray that her 3 daughters would all marry Christ-following husbands (which we did). She also prayed for her grandchildren and would encourage them to memorize scripture at their young ages. She also had a heart for lost people. She took several evangelism classes in the past few years. She wasn't as bold as she would have liked to be, but she prayed persistently for the people she wanted to see begin a new life in Jesus Christ.
My mom also appreciated being able to stay home to raise her daughters. Once we grew older and were in junior high and high school, she started focusing more of her volunteer time away from the school and more towards the church and other ministries. She loved working with the shut-in ministry at the church. She would visit widows who were home-bound. She would visit them at least twice a month and take them sermon tapes. She would also do light housekeeping for them and just sit and visit. She had a few ladies she was assigned to, and she took the time to get to know them. She loved going through their old photo albums and hearing the stories of their younger days and stories about their children. I know those ladies cherished the visits from my mom. My mom also had a passion for the unborn. She went through the training to become a volunteer counselor for the Crisis Pregnancy Center. She would council young women against taking the life of their unborn child. She would also have to opportunity to share of God's love for them and their child.
I am fortunate to have been raised by such a wonderful mother. She was such a positive influence in my life and I will greatly miss her. I feel very sad that my children only had a brief few years to experience her love and compassion. She loved them so much. My kids always knew there was no TV at "Nonny's" house (they called her Nonny). She loved being engaged with them at their level. She always sat on the floor with them, even though it was uncomfortable at her young age of 60. My kids would come home with stories of the forts they built in the family room and places they "visited." She looked forward to her babysitting days as she enjoyed the one-on-one time she was able to spend with them without us (the mom and dad) around to distract them.
I returned home from Wisconsin the Tuesday after the service (October 28). I hadn't seen Joshua and Nathan in 9 days. Although, I spoke to them on the phone, I missed them. Joshua had so many questions about Nonny. He knows she is in heaven. He prays to Jesus every night before bed that He will keep Nonny safe in heaven. He also has Jesus relay messages to Nonny on his behalf. It is usually random things about his day ("Please tell Nonny that I had school today" or "tell Nonny that I had soccer practice today" or "tell Nonny that I love her").
My dad flew home with Gary and I on Tuesday. I feel so bad for him. They would have celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary on November 16. We dropped him off at their house in Sun City West (Corte Bella). He said it was like having to say goodbye all over again. He had to walk into another quiet house in Arizona that is full of my mother's things. He said that he opened a few of her drawers as he was looking for a few specific items. He said that he opened a couple of them, but had to quickly close them, as it was too painful. He asked me to come over and look through her drawers for the items he was trying to locate. My sister and I went through her clothes and personal items when we were at the cabin in North Carolina. He wanted us to go through her things while the 3 of us girls were there. He didn't figure we'd be back at the cabin together any time soon. He asked us to not go through her things in the Arizona house until after he returns to North Carolina, as doesn't want to be there when we go through her clothes and other personal belongings. My dad mentioned that he likes his job and that it would be more difficult to return to work if he didn't. He will start back to work again on November 17 (the day after their 40th anniversary).
My family has been blessed by the support and words of encouragement from many family and friends. We appreciate all of the cards people have mailed and the phone calls to offer your sympathies or to share a story of how my mother touched each of you. We know without a doubt that my mother is in heaven and we will one day be united with her again to spend all of eternity with her.
There is another memorial service planned for this week (November 6). This one will be held in Arizona. It will be difficult to say goodbye all over again, but it will help to talk to more people and hear more stories about my mom's impact on this earth.
I will start with a little back-story about my parents so you don't get confused.
My mom always dreamed of living in a cabin in the mountains. They lived in Raleigh, NC several years ago and they really loved spending the weekends in the Blueridge Mountains of North Carolina. My dad does contract work for several utility companies along the east coast. He is currently working in Atlanta, but being a few years away of retirement, they thought they'd start building their dream get-away on the property that they had previously purchased. The cabin was completed this past summer and my mom couldn't wait to get moved in. It was her dream to live in a house with no TV and no internet (and so the cabin is free from such distractions). My dad works 4-day work weeks, so he would commute to Atlanta during the week and spend the weekends at the cabin with my mom. My mom had so many decorating plans for the cabin, but was worried about the cost of purchasing all of the non-essential (but really neat) items to make the cabin home. There is a store not too far from town called The Cabin Store. She was a frequent visitor and customer of the store, and told them that she would love to work there part-time. She was hired this past summer and absolutely loved it. She loved visiting with the customers that came in (she is a very social person). She didn't even get a pay check. She simply worked in exchange for merchandise and she had her wish list all planned out of the order in which she would acquire her treasures to make the cabin more inviting. My dad later told us that she would tithe on her "earnings," even though she didn't get a paycheck.
Being in a such a remote part of the mountains (it is pretty much weekend/vacation homes where they live), she was still looking for just the right church to call "home." She went to church with a co-worker that Sunday (October 19) morning. She showed no signs of anything being wrong that morning, or even after church. My dad had already left for his commute back to Atlanta. She went to lunch at a fast-food restaurant by herself on the way home from church. It was at the parking lot of the restaurant where she was found slumped over her steering wheel. Someone saw her and called for an ambulance. My dad happened to call her cell phone (there is no phone line at the cabin) to see how church went, as he knew she was trying different ones. A nurse at the ER answered her cell phone and that's how we first knew something had happened. My dad was not too far from Atlanta, so he turned back around for the 5 hour drive back to North Carolina. My dad was able to talk to my mom on the phone, but she had no idea where she was, what state she was in or even what day it was. She did recognize my dad on the phone and was quite scared as she didn't know what was happening. It was very frustrating for my dad to be so far away and not being able to do anything. My dad was able to get a hold of some neighbors, who went to the hospital to be with my mom.
We had no idea what had happened or what was wrong with her. All we knew was that the ER was trying to keep her stable. She got to a point where she lost consciousness again and was not able to breathe on her own. She was in a pretty small, rural hospital, so they put her on a ventilator and transferred her via ambulance an hour away to Winston-Salem, NC. Apparently there was no air transportation available. My dad drove directly to Winston-Salem and actually beat my mom to the hospital. Not long after she arrived, she was in pretty bad shape and we almost lost her a few times. There were 8 people working on her in the ER trying to keep her alive. We still had no idea what was wrong. They were unable to perform any tests on her as her condition was so unstable. We did know that a CAT scan was performed and that a stroke had been ruled out. Her blood pressure was also very, very low and they struggled to keep it stable. By this time it was Sunday afternoon and my sister Wendy (who also lives in the Phoenix-area) started looking at flights to Charlotte (the closest airport). There was a 10:30pm flight with a lay-over in Philadelphia that arrived at 5:30am. My mom's best friend (Karen, who also lives here) flew out with us. So the 3 of us started making our reservations. I have another sister in Indiana, who started packing up for an overnight road trip with her family. Four out of my mom's 7 siblings also started planning an all-night road trip from Wisconsin.
We all arrived on Monday morning. My mom had gotten transferred out of the ER and into ICU overnight, which was a good sign for us. When we got there, she was in serious but stable condition. The doctor warned us that her condition could change at any moment. She was on near-lethal doses of 3 different blood pressure medications in order to keep her blood pressure stable. They were unable to even read her blood pressure from the cuff that goes around the arm, so they had to get her pressure from her femural artery in her leg. They took an ultrasound of her heart on Monday morning and discovered that her heart was surrounded by fluid and that's why she was having difficulty breathing and that her blood pressure was so low because of the pressure of the fluid around her heart that was not allowing her heart to fully expand. It was determined that immediate surgery was necessary to drain the fluid from around her heart. Prior to the surgery, the cardiac surgeon performed a esophageal echocardiogram. During that procedure, they found a tear in her aorta. This tear was causing blood to leak into her heart and into the lining of her heart. The surgeon said that the tear needed to be repaired, but that she was in no condition to undergo open heart surgery. They would first drain the fluid around the heart to help stabilize her enough to get her off of the blood pressure medications. They would then repair the tear in her aorta later in the week, after she had stabilized. They warned us that she was in serious condition, but that the fluid had to be drained immediately if she was to gain any type of stability. She could not continue with the dosages of her blood pressure medications much longer without long-term damage. They were worried that her organs would start to fail. The surgery to drain the fluid would only last about 20 minutes and they would only make a small incision into her chest. They would leave the tube in after surgery to keep draining the fluid. The doctors pretty much told us that the surgery was risky, but it was the only option. They were confident, that, if successful, we would start seeing immediate improvement with her blood pressure and her breathing. They would then be able to slowly wean her off the medications and the ventilator. There would always be the risk of her aorta rupturing more prior to her being stable enough for the open heart surgery to repair the tear/rupture. Our family was confident that she would come through the surgery as she had already come so far. The surgeon stated that most people don't survive an aortic dissection with leakage (the official medical term for her condition). Anyway, the entire family had been in a "family consultation" room for the past few hours. They bring the entire family into a private room whenever the doctor comes to talk to the family. It is for patient privacy as well as family privacy so we aren't in the waiting room with the rest of the families. We were all in the family consultation room when the surgeon returned a little while later and told us that my mom's blood pressure and heart rate started to immediately rise as soon as he started draining the fluid. He then said that her heart then slowed and eventually stopped and they were unable to get her heart beating again. She had passed away. The time was between 5:00 and 5:30pm on Monday, October 20, 2008. She passed away on my 34th birthday.
After we had finished a big cry, we had many questions. The doctor answered them all and even said he would leave us alone for a while and come back and answer any more that we come up with. I must say that my mom's nurse (Deah) was awesome. She was there all day on Monday and my mom was pretty much her only patient that day (she may have had others, but it always seemed like she was in my mother's room). She was always present whenever one of the doctor's spoke with us. My mom had an ICU doctor, the cardiologist and the cardiac surgeon all seeing her that day. Deah would always make sure our questions were answered after the doctor's had left. She was so sweet to the family and really treated my mom with such genuine care. She seemed upset when the surgeon told us that my mom had died in surgery. She gave us all hugs and expressed how sorry she was.
Some of the family (including myself) asked if we could see her body to say goodbye. The head of the surgery dept said that they would need to move her to a different room and prep her for viewing. Only 4 of us wanted to see her one last time. The rest wanted their last memories of her to be full of life. When I saw my mom before she went to surgery, I didn't say "goodbye," I said that I would see her soon. I felt like I need to say "goodbye" to help with closure. I still couldn't fathom that she was gone. My mom was unconscious the entire time, so all communication was one-way. The last time she was awake was when she talked on the phone with my dad in the ER after she was first brought in on Sunday afternoon. A part of me would have liked to been able to see her awake, but I spoke to her on the telephone before we left for San Diego the week before and we always ended our phone conversions with "I love you," so I am glad that those were the last words I spoke to her before her collapse. We had just returned from San Diego on Saturday night (the night before she was found in the parking lot). She collapsed on Sunday and died on Monday.
So we waited around the hospital for a few hours waiting to sign off on all of the final paperwork before we could leave. We were visited by all of her doctors who expressed their condolences as well as the hospital chaplain. My mom had always wanted to be of service to others, even after death, so the whole family knew of her desire to donate her body for medical research. It was included in her will as well. What we didn't know was that it is customary to pre-arrange the donation with either a medical school or some sort of donation center prior to your death. This had not been done. The hospital was of little help, but did say that various organizations might be contacting us regarding donation of her organs. The hospital stated that my mom's body might not be "desirable" for medical research due to her heart damage or if the surgery somehow affected her ability to be embalmed properly for preservation. The hospital also told us that some medical centers might not have a current need for a body. We all left the hospital together as a family. We left feeling discouraged at the possibility of not being able to fulfill my mom's final wishes.
My mom's best friend (Karen) and my sisters and I made the 1 hour commute back to their cabin in the mountains. My mom's 4 siblings stayed at a hotel next to the hospital. I had never been to my parent's cabin, so my dad showed us around and pointed out all of the items my mom had "worked" for. She even brought home broken pieces that were headed for the trash and glued them back together and displayed them. She was proud of those pieces. My mom had an amazing ability to identify a child or person in a group that needed a little extra attention for whatever reason. When she volunteered at our schools, she always enjoyed working with kids that needed a little extra help to catch up with the class. She had the ability to make them feel special and to boost their self-confidence. My mom was never a particularly good student, so I think she simply related to the kids that struggled in school.
Once at the cabin, we found my mom's address/phone books and started making calls to family and friends. It was hard to keep repeating the happenings of the previous 2 days over and over again. By the end of the night, I managed to be able to get through the chronology of events without crying. It was especially hard if the person on the other end of the phone started crying. My dad got a call that night from the North Carolina Eye Donation Center. Apparently the hospital made them aware of our desire for what they termed "whole body donation." She was contacting us regarding donation of my mother's eyes, but also explained that if her eyes were donated, she would be ineligible for whole body donation. She was able to direct us to the different medical schools in North Carolina. She called us pretty late (9:30 or 10:00pm), so our inquiries would have to wait until the morning.
We all went to bed pretty late, but not much sleep took place. I felt completely exhausted as I didn't get any sleep on the overnight flight the night prior, but couldn't manage any sleep that night. My body was numb and I felt sick to my stomach. My head was pounding as well.
When morning finally came, I felt like I had run over by a truck. I could barely move. I was able to doze off in a chair for about half and hour on Tuesday morning and was able to function again. I was able to eat some toast and start the day. Most phone calls had been made the night before, but there were a few more that needed to be called. My dad called the first medical school on the list, but had to leave a message and wait for a return call. They declined my mother's body due to her heart condition. The next call was Duke University. They said yes and a huge weight had been lifted from us. The next step was paperwork. Being with no internet made life difficult. My dad had them fax paperwork to The Cabin Store where my mom worked. We would go later in the day to pick it up, have it notarized and returned. My mom's siblings had arrived at the cabin with sandwich fixings for lunch. When they heard the news that Duke had accepted her body, they commented that my mom finally got her wish of going to college. Not just any college, but Duke University. She would be proud. We talked of getting T-shirts from Duke in her honor. Just as a side note, once Duke is finished with my mom's body, they will have her cremated and the remains will be given back to the family.
After lunch, the work began. An obituary had to be written and memorial services/arrangements needed to be made. My mom's other 3 siblings and my husband (Gary) back in their respective homes were our computer/internet links. Whenever a phone number needed to be looked up, we had to call our internet sources. It was determined that a service would be held in my mom's (very small) hometown of Highland, Wisconsin. A lot of family remains in this town and some would be physically unable to travel to Phoenix. A service would also be held in the Phoenix-area, as this is where my sisters and I grew up and my mom has a vast network of friends here as well. My parents spent a few years living in Raleigh, NC so friends expressed their desire for a memorial service as well. Being that we were already planning 2 services, we explained that planning a 3rd would be too much for the family. Apparently my mom's impact on her friends there is quite deep, so a few of her lady friends decided that they would plan the entire service if we would agree to having a service in North Carolina as well. One of their friends is a pastor, so he agreed to perform the service. So that left us with the task of choosing dates and reserving churches. Wisconsin would be first, as my grandfather (my mom's dad) was top priority in getting some sort of closure for his having lost his daughter. My grandfather (who will turn 90 in February) was physically unable to make the 15+ hour overnight road trip to the hospital. The siblings drove all night in 2 hour shifts. He really wanted to be at the hospital with all of us. Phoenix would be next, followed by Raleigh. Our first choice for a date for Wisconsin was November 1 (a Saturday). Phoenix was scheduled for Thursday, November 6. Raleigh was scheduled for Saturday, November 15. The church in Wisconsin was unavailable on the 1st, so that left us with the task of putting a service together in a few days to be held on October 25. The Phoenix and Raleigh dates had already been confirmed. Phone calls were quickly placed to Wisconsin family members to coordinate food for after the service as well as every other detail. The obituary would need to be placed ASAP to allow time for it to run in the paper so people could be made aware of the service time and location. We needed to decide who would read scripture and give a eulogy. Again, more phone calls were placed. Work on the obituary began. How could we best sum up my mom's life in a few paragraphs? My mother was the most giving and selfless person I have ever known. She touched every person she met with her kind spirit. This fact was validated by the endless phone calls from friends across the globe (my parents have lived in many places in their almost 40 years of marriage). My mom made sure that she kept in contact with her many friends. We (my sisters and my mom's siblings) wrote and re-wrote all afternoon and well into the night to come up with a fitting tribute to my mom. It doesn't even come close to fully describing her impact on this world, but we did the best we could. With the service being only 4 days away and many plans yet to be made, we realized that we needed to thinking about getting ourselves to Wisconsin. The 4 siblings had all driven together and would return the same way. Dawn (my sister) and family had also driven, so they would drive also. My mom's friend Karen needed to return to Arizona, so we arranged a flight back to Phoenix (she had only booked a one-way ticket to Charlotte). That left my dad, myself and other sister (Wendy) to figure out transportation to Wisconsin. We thought about driving my dad's car with the 3 of us, but that would leave my dad's car in Wisconsin with no way back to North Carolina as the 3 of us had booked flights to Phoenix from Wisconsin after the service. That left only 1 reasonable option. The 3 of us would join my mom's 4 siblings in their mini-van. The means 7 adults riding for 15+ hours in a 7-passenger mini-van. We would all depart the next day (Wednesday).
So Wednesday morning, we packed the van with 7 adults worth of luggage and cleaned my parent's cabin from our whirlwind visit. We left after lunch on Wednesday. As I was the youngest in the group, I was bestowed the privilege of sitting in the middle seat of the 3rd row in the van. What started out as an unfortunate journey turned into the most memorable part of the entire week. It wasn't that long after we started driving that the stories and memories about my mom began to flow. My aunts and uncles shared stories of when my mom was a child. My dad spoke of he and my mom's early dating days (their first date, a blind date, didn't go well at all). My sister and I told of stories of when we were growing up. Meanwhile, my mom's brother was taking notes of all of these memories to help write the eulogy that he agreed to present at the memorial in Wisconsin. We stopped driving at about 10:30pm. We found a hotel for the night, and we were all ready to crash. Somehow, we all ended up in the same room, and the story telling continued. This time, the stories went from fun to serious. My mom's brother spoke of the days and years surrounding their mother's battle with cancer. It was my mom (the oldest) and her younger brother. My grandfather had to keep working as there were bills to pay. Friends and neighbors would come to the house to take of their mom during the day. My mom was about 10 years old at the time. Her mom eventually lost her battle with cancer when my mom was 11 years old. When asked, my mom's brother said that my mom would on occasion have to cook dinner for himself and for their dad. He said that he learned early in life, not to be a picky eater. My grandfather re-married a year after his wife passed. My mom rarely spoke of those early years. She missed her mother terribly and her dad's new wife, of course, did everything different than her mother. She later regretted how she treated her dad's new wife in those early years. It wasn't until she was an adult that she asked her for forgiveness and grew to love and cherish her relationship with her "mother." My uncle spoke of how much they enjoyed helping raise their new brothers and sister that started arriving just over a year after their dad re-married. Six more siblings came along. Although, the last few arrived after my mom had left home. My mom always said that her years taking care of her dad/brother and helping to care for her siblings when they were babies helped her prepare for her days as a young wife with her husband in the Navy. They were stationed in Hawaii, far from family and friends. My dad was at sea when my 2 older sisters were born. My dad was also at sea as she was still recovering from heart surgery (he was home for the procedure) to repair a valve in her heart (Patent Ductus Arteriosis or PDA). She was 21 years old when she had the surgery and had a newborn to take care of as well. She definitely didn't have any easy life as a new bride. We talked until 2:30am and headed off to bed.
The next day (Thursday) was a new day in the van ride to Wisconsin. We had a full day's drive ahead of us. More stories were told and there was plenty of material for the eulogy. I will never forget those 15 hours in the van. It was good for all of us to just share how our lives have been positively impacted by my mother. She left a lasting legacy as a result of her servant's heart.
My dad spoke of her last few months that she spent at their cabin. It was her dream. She didn't mind being alone during the week while my dad was in Atlanta working. She loved that their weekends together were free from the distractions of TV and internet. My dad said she would spend most of day in the sun room (off of the porch) in a rocking chair reading her Bible or whatever book she might be studying for a Bible study. She would take walks in the mountains and enjoy God's beautiful creation. She learned to pick flowers (Black Eyed Susan's) at their peak, so she could harvest the seeds to plant on their property. She wanted flowers everywhere. There was always fresh picked flowers in a vase at the cabin.
We arrived in Wisconsin on Thursday night. Everyone got dropped off at their respective homes. My dad, sister, aunt and I headed to my grandparent's home to visit with them. We talked for a little while and expressed our sympathies for one another. Gary (my hubby) arrived on Thursday evening in Wisconsin as well. It was so nice to see him. I hadn't seen him since Sunday before I left for the airport.
Friday was a busy day. It was a day before the service and much needed to get done. Photos with my mom needed be found for the picture boards that were to be displayed at the service. We met with the priest (my mother was raised Catholic, but left the church as an adult, but that's a whole other story) to go over the order of service. We did not want a full mass as we wanted to keep the service relatively short. The photo boards needed to be assembled and made. My mom's siblings were amazing. My sisters and I were relieved that they pretty much took care of the planning and let everyone know what needed to be done. The tasks were divided up and everything got done.
The service was on Saturday (October 25) morning. It was a beautiful service and everything went smoothly. My mom's brother delivered an amazing eulogy, full of stories that told about my mother's amazing life.
My mother was strong Christian woman. She wanted to live like Christ as best as she could. I always admired the time she spent reading the Bible and praying. She could pray for a solid hour without interruption (she had many prayer guides that she would follow). I remember a few items from her "mother's prayer." One of the prayers was that if her children did evil, we would be caught. When I received my first (of only 2) speeding tickets in college, I remember calling her and asking if she had been praying for me that day. She used to pray that her 3 daughters would all marry Christ-following husbands (which we did). She also prayed for her grandchildren and would encourage them to memorize scripture at their young ages. She also had a heart for lost people. She took several evangelism classes in the past few years. She wasn't as bold as she would have liked to be, but she prayed persistently for the people she wanted to see begin a new life in Jesus Christ.
My mom also appreciated being able to stay home to raise her daughters. Once we grew older and were in junior high and high school, she started focusing more of her volunteer time away from the school and more towards the church and other ministries. She loved working with the shut-in ministry at the church. She would visit widows who were home-bound. She would visit them at least twice a month and take them sermon tapes. She would also do light housekeeping for them and just sit and visit. She had a few ladies she was assigned to, and she took the time to get to know them. She loved going through their old photo albums and hearing the stories of their younger days and stories about their children. I know those ladies cherished the visits from my mom. My mom also had a passion for the unborn. She went through the training to become a volunteer counselor for the Crisis Pregnancy Center. She would council young women against taking the life of their unborn child. She would also have to opportunity to share of God's love for them and their child.
I am fortunate to have been raised by such a wonderful mother. She was such a positive influence in my life and I will greatly miss her. I feel very sad that my children only had a brief few years to experience her love and compassion. She loved them so much. My kids always knew there was no TV at "Nonny's" house (they called her Nonny). She loved being engaged with them at their level. She always sat on the floor with them, even though it was uncomfortable at her young age of 60. My kids would come home with stories of the forts they built in the family room and places they "visited." She looked forward to her babysitting days as she enjoyed the one-on-one time she was able to spend with them without us (the mom and dad) around to distract them.
I returned home from Wisconsin the Tuesday after the service (October 28). I hadn't seen Joshua and Nathan in 9 days. Although, I spoke to them on the phone, I missed them. Joshua had so many questions about Nonny. He knows she is in heaven. He prays to Jesus every night before bed that He will keep Nonny safe in heaven. He also has Jesus relay messages to Nonny on his behalf. It is usually random things about his day ("Please tell Nonny that I had school today" or "tell Nonny that I had soccer practice today" or "tell Nonny that I love her").
My dad flew home with Gary and I on Tuesday. I feel so bad for him. They would have celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary on November 16. We dropped him off at their house in Sun City West (Corte Bella). He said it was like having to say goodbye all over again. He had to walk into another quiet house in Arizona that is full of my mother's things. He said that he opened a few of her drawers as he was looking for a few specific items. He said that he opened a couple of them, but had to quickly close them, as it was too painful. He asked me to come over and look through her drawers for the items he was trying to locate. My sister and I went through her clothes and personal items when we were at the cabin in North Carolina. He wanted us to go through her things while the 3 of us girls were there. He didn't figure we'd be back at the cabin together any time soon. He asked us to not go through her things in the Arizona house until after he returns to North Carolina, as doesn't want to be there when we go through her clothes and other personal belongings. My dad mentioned that he likes his job and that it would be more difficult to return to work if he didn't. He will start back to work again on November 17 (the day after their 40th anniversary).
My family has been blessed by the support and words of encouragement from many family and friends. We appreciate all of the cards people have mailed and the phone calls to offer your sympathies or to share a story of how my mother touched each of you. We know without a doubt that my mother is in heaven and we will one day be united with her again to spend all of eternity with her.
There is another memorial service planned for this week (November 6). This one will be held in Arizona. It will be difficult to say goodbye all over again, but it will help to talk to more people and hear more stories about my mom's impact on this earth.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Continued Prayer
Please keep Tiffany and her family in your prayers. This afternoon her mother passed away and went to be with our Heavenly Father.
Thank You.
Thank You.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Please pray for my family
Our family just got back from a fun 4 days in San Diego last night (Saturday). This morning (Sunday) I got a call that my mom was found slumped over the steering wheel of her car (she lives in North Carolina). She was taken the hospital and they tried to stabilize her. They were not able to keep her stable and she ended up not being able to breathe on her own. They put her on a ventilator and transferred her to a different (larger) hospital in Winston-Salem, NC. They don't know what happened, but the MRI came back clear (meaning, she didn't have a stroke). She is currently still in the ER on the ventilator and struggling to stay alive. I am leaving tonight with my sister Wendy to fly to North Carolina. We arrive in the morning (on Monday morning). Please keep my mom in your prayers. This whole thing is completely unexpected as she is/was perfectly healthy.
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